First off, I decided to review this because a) a couple of respected reviewer friends had recently reviewed and loved it and b) it was on Kindle Unlimited. I didn’t randomly decide to pick a book with “Penis” in the title and hope for the best. Just wanted to clear that up. Also c) the cover rang all kinds of alarm bells for me. You know when something just hits wrong? Couldn’t put a finger on it, but it seemed a bit … icky.
So I decided to give it a go, because this book has made a lot of people laugh. This is where I have to ask, “is it just me?” And I’m prepared to believe it is, because of various reasons. Maybe my humour just isn’t calibrated that way.
Loosely based on The Princess & the Pea, this is a quick read at 33 pages. This story was amusing in (private) parts – though I’ve probably heard every schlong joke known to mankind and there was nothing new here. The dialogue was sparky, the book well-written, formatted and paced. The characters were cheeky and fun. There’s no doubt about the abilities of the writer at all. He did a great job.
Then the slight unease (again – it could just be just me) over a few issues. First off, who was the book aimed at? It definitely wasn’t for kids, with its ribald language and humour. Parents with children? Grown-ups who might have children one day?
IF anyone picking up a title like that hopes for a bit of titillation, that cover looks as if it is aimed at the under-elevens. Does anyone else see where I’m coming from? The subject of children and sex is an absolute minefield, and one person’s fun read can be another one’s triggering hot mess.
Then the next thing. Apparently, the bigger the dick, the more suitable the man. Any man who isn’t as generously proportioned is thought to be lacking as a potential partner. (Yikes. Talk about discounting three-quarters of the male population, including people in the trans community.)
One good scene was that of the Wizard, who confessed to not being very well-endowed, but still managed to steal the affections of one of the Princess’s hormonal aunties. I’m assuming he must have used magic.
Also, the princess put the penis between her legs and seemed to be infinitely satisfied. I mean, I know this is a fairytale but still… (I wasn’t surprised to learn the writer was a man at this point.)
And the final kicker; that great last line about the princess and her big-schlonged suitor having a healthy sex life “well into her fifties.” Gosh, that’s like, so old! Not sure about anyone else reading this, but at 57 I’m not ready to hang up my silk panties and skiddle on off to the nearest care home just yet.
So, neeeeeeeyeahh, not sure about this one. I know I should take a chill pill and just see it as a bit of fun, but to be honest it left me feeling a bit squirmy, and not in a good way. I am absolutely sure the author’s intentions were to write a daft, fun story with a message for parents not to keep their children in the dark about sex, but it hit a flat note for me. And that’s okay. You can’t please everyone.
BLURB
A beautiful, chaste, and completely naive princess encounters a strange lump in her mattress. The lump soon morphs into a shape familiar to everyone but her, triggering her curiosity and her father’s greatest fears. He frantically tries to intervene, but having a large phantom phallus in a curious maiden’s bed is never a good combination.
Jayne Lockwood Books 
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